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⁣It’s a Wicked-ful Life from The Great Nyehehe!!'s blog

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It was in the dead of December when, in the Caverns of Time, Nozdormu, the Bronze Aspect, the Timeless One, Lord of the Centuries, Dragon of the Ages, and wielder of several other lofty and important-sounding titles sat, hunched over, doing paperwork.

He was checking files and statistics very sluggishly, half-heartedly for some time now, as the Winter Veil season seemed to be the most popular annual time to mess with the timeways for teaching crotchety old misers that Winter Veil and generosity and being a decent person actually were pretty cool all along. He had longed for a nice glass of Dalaran noir from the Tavern of Time just a few doors down, but ironically he just didn’t have the time.
Eyes only partially open and barely awake, Nozdormu almost dozed off. At least until his eyes glazed over a familiar, particularly troublesome and worrying name for all dragons of the Bronze dragonflight, that of which was simply this: The Great Nyehehe.

Nozdormu would have been glad he had not bothered for a glass of wine, as the shock surely would have forced a spit take over all his little documents, but he was too busy being terrified to be glad of much of anything at all. “S-Soridormi!” the Guardian of Time called out frantically.

“Yes?” Soridormi peeped her head into the room, somewhat eager to get back to stirring the pot of primordial soup.
“By the Makers! Look at this, Soridormi. It’s…”

“O-Oh no… Nozzie, what’re we gonna do?” gasped his prime consort while she skimmed the file.
“We cannot just sit back and allow this to happen. We must… call for Chronormu.”
“Chromie?”
“She’s our best agent… after Anachronos, of course… and Erzion… and Alurmi. Besides, it’ll be nice for her to get her mind off all those unsolved murder attempts, after all.”
“Ah. Right away, dear.”

*Ahem.*

“CHROMIE! COME DOWN HERE!”

“I’m here, I’m here!” squealed Chromie as she flew down sporadically, seemingly from the ceiling.

“Good morning!” cheerfully yelled the dragon with a courteous bow, having shifted into her gnomish guise. She seemed puzzled for but a moment before she corrected herself “Or good afternoon! Good noon, maybe? I’m not really sure what time it is at this exact moment, buuut I do-”
“We’re glad you came so quickly, Chronormu.” Nozdormu stated to halt the gnome’s rambling, “We have a mission for you of utmost importance.”
“You got it! What do I need to know?” piped up Chromie.
Nozdormu defeatedly sighed “It’s… The Great Nyehehe.”
“Oh no! Should we panic?”

“No, no… Soridormi and I have that covered.” started Nozdormu solemnly, “As we’ve covered through our various meetings, memos, and your job description, the individual known as ‘The Great Nyehehe’ is absolutely crucial to the multiverse. It is critical that he remain what he refers to as… ‘evil’… throughout a certain period lasting so-and-so mortal years before his gruesome and bloody demise. Within all different timelines, he is exactly the same in nature, even if his appearance or the world around him is different. For at least during these years, the old madman must continue striving to conquer the universe and commit pointless, petty misdemeanors and juvenile acts of wrath, generally considering himself as ‘evil’ all the while, concussion-induced and/or amnesiac episodes excluded. Should he, under any circumstances, stop being evil willfully for any reason whatsoever, the entire multiverse could implode in on itself. Despite our best efforts and our millennia spent on researching for an answer why this is, we still have no idea. It is for this reason that we must keep him as far away from these Caverns, and why he must constantly be checked on.”
“Wow! Look at all of them! I’m glad I wrote my final thesis on it way back when.” Chromie giggled.

“So you ought to be prepared enough to handle him. Go to him, Chronormu, and convince him to stay evil. The timeways… and the multiverse depend on it.”
“You can count on me!” Chromie chirped cheerfully with a quick salute, before turning off and flying sporadically away in her dragonoid form.

“Do you think she can do it?” Soridormi whispered, placing a shaking hand on her mate.
Nozdormu sighed, burying his face into his hands sorrowfully, “She has to.”

In his evil lair, The Great Nyehehe sat unsleeping. Quiet snow filled the December air, light and frothy, the sort that wouldn’t guarantee a day off for the children from their education but would at least be pleasant to watch fall. The hustle and bustle of Winter Veil filled the Cathedral District, with many a holiday shopper, caroler, and a Leper Gnome dressed as GreatFather Winter collecting charity for Gnomeregan Reclamation Society at each corner. The Great Nyehehe seemed not to notice any of it.
Grumbling and mumbling to himself seemingly as per the usual, but this time with a tone and degree not often heard from one as bitter and wicked as he. Rather than the disgruntled, irritated ramblings he often muttered in that half-whispering yet half-shouting tone, The Great Nyehehe whined and murmured, with the occasional sob blurting out. He sat unsleeping, resting on his crates and barrels, his scrawny arms tucked into each other. A rat or two passed here and there, scurrying about between the shadows.

Chromie fluttered down from the sky, landing just before The Great Nyehehe’s fiendish feet.
“Hello again!” she chirped, as she poofed back into her gnomish form. Nyeh’s groggy self shook awake, noticing her for the first time, albeit clearly not very pleased. “Who are you, mortal fool?” barked Nyeh defensively, “The Great Nyehehe’s never met you before in his life!! Bah!! Begone from The Great Nyehehe’s lair!! His ev… evil…. evil lai…”

And at this, The Great Nyehehe bursted into tears. Seemingly inconsolable, tears gushed, streamed, and torrented out of The Great Nyehehe’s frankly asymmetrical eyes as if a dam in the old madman’s head had blasted up and open. His wailing was loud and grating to listen to, pathetic to view and even more so to hear, but it’d be hard to say that most people would actively want to console the source of such howling as opposed to just quietly, slightly shamefully wishing for it to stop once and for all without any intrusion on their part.
Yet, after a moment or two, Chromie attempted to soothe the bawling beast. Patting the air rather than The Great Nyehehe’s fiendish flesh, as the foot-long file on the villain had made careful note to mention he did not enjoy being touched, the dragon spoke gently, knowing fully well of the answer, “Why so glum, chum?”

Perhaps Chromie had paid more attention to her side-line doodles or some other distraction when she had read of the old madman, for she had clearly glossed over the myriad of incidents and accidents that had occured due to some sly sucker referring to the alleged Immortal Warlock Lord as a ‘friend’, something he utterly despised. He dried off his eyes and swallowed his tears,and a good bit of other phlegm, and eyed the dragon scrutinizingly up and down. He stammered up, immediately barking “The Great Nyehehe is not your chum!! Nor is he your buddy, or your pal!! He is friends with no mortal fool, or even with any other immortal fool!! He is obviously and utterly above such frivolous, foolish concepts such as friendship or family or love!! Bah!!”
He ended his rambling rant, breathing heavily and glaring wildly at Chromie, who took a step back, a tad surprised and a tad more embarrassed to have forgotten one of the most important cautions one must follow when dealing with this particular villain, until his heavy breaths ended in a heavy sigh, and the old man slumped back onto his behind, onto the floor. With another heavy sigh, The Great Nyehehe defeated held his head in one of his heinous hands, eyes glued woefully to the floor.

“Bah… If you must know… which you don’t… The Great Nyehehe feels like… like maybe being evil… just… won’t work out for him. Like… he might never be the cruel, merciless king of the universe, ruling with an iron fist. He feels like… there’s no point in being evil… when it can’t even get him what he wants. He hates to admit it… especially to a mortal fool such as yourself…” he began to confess, at least before he stopped himself, “And so… so he won’t!! He shan’t admit it!! Bah!!”
At this The Great Nyehehe began grumbling, mumbling to himself again, at least more bitter than somber as opposed to last time. Chromie saw this as a good sign, but knew her work was far from done. With a polite curtsy and a strong urge to burst into laughter, Chromie spoke cleverly, in as serious and sincere as she could (i.e. not terribly so) “My deepest and most sincere of apologies, your evilness. What is it that would trouble a lowly mortal if he was in such a position as yourself?”

The old man scoffed arrogantly, and after a brief pause he confessed quietly “Well, if some mere lowly mortal fool were in a situation akin to The Great Nyehehe’s, which is impossible, by the way,.. he would be troubled by being… unvictorious. The universe’s constant rebuttals against evil schemes and nasty plots and… that they never come to fruition. How that unintelligent universe just refuses to be conquered!! How… how he would wish he was never born, even.”

“You wish to have never been born?” inquired the dragon, a grin cracking upon her lips and an idea concocting itself in her scatter-brained mind that was equally as wicked, complex, and stupid as the man before her was.

“Nyet, nyet!!” he stammered, jumping to his feet in protest, “The Great Nyehehe was never born in the first place!! He has been around and antagonizing long before time and space were formed!!” He paused for a moment before correcting himself, “And anywhatsit, The Great Nyehehe would never wish to not have ever not existed anyway… he… loves… doing evil. He’s… er… quite successful at it.” He mumbled uncertainly before slumping back to the floor.
“Well…” Chromie thought aloud faux-innocently, “Would you say this hypothetical person that is totally, most definitely not you that is in your situation would wish to never have existed?”

The Great Nyehehe’s inane mumblings came to a sudden halt, shock and curiosity of an opportunity was written across his face. He stroked his chin and turned away from the scrutinizing, unsettingly large and awe-full eyes of the bronze dragon, deep in thought of all his losses, lost sense of achievement and recognition, the numerous battles he lost, his lost loved ones, and his second-favorite lost pair of shoes, weighing his options. With a grunt and a grumble, The Great Nyehehe turned back to Chromie, careful with his words. “Nyes, he supposes…. that he might wish he never had existed…”
He coughed into his fist, obviously falsely, and tried regaining his composure, snapping “But what’s that to you, anyway?”
The dragon laughed openly as she snapped her fingers, staring calmly, playfully into the old fool’s wild eyes.

The world around The Great Nyehehe shifted, phased in a way. The specks of snow didn’t just stop falling, but all of it stopped existing entirely. The snow on the ground and in the air disappeared, and the air felt a good deal warmer. The hustle bustle of the Cathedral District completely phased out of existence, it seemed, and the Cathedral Square seemed nearly empty. The only exceptions were clear-skinned, Leprosy-free, unirradiated Gnome sitting lazily around, snoozing, collecting for some other such charity, whose cauldrons were now so chock-full of gold and silver that they didn’t even bother to ring any bells to call attention to the cause. Even, it seemed, the rats, who had peeked their snooping little heads from behind the crate to see what all the fuss was about, shifted out of existence.

“Nyeh!?!” the old madman blurted confusingly, searching his surroundings befuddledly.

“What sort of mortal trickery is this, you piliferous punk, you!?! You think your worthless weather magicks or invisibility-causing idiocracy initmidates The Great Nyehehe!?!” hollered the old fool, sounding quite fretful and even frightened.
Chromie gently shook her head ‘no’, “Come with me, your evilness. It’ll explain everything.”

Shivering despite the lack of snow and cold, The Great Nyehehe begrudgingly followed the little gnome, slightly confused and irked by the slight changes in his surroundings. As they began their trek, Chromie reached out her hand to hold his. The Great Nyehehe aggressively refused it, and they walked out of The Great Nyehehe’s lair, once so cold and full of grime and the disease-ridden rats that he was so fond of, was now quite warm and surprisingly clean.



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Xaelar Team
Dec 20 '18
Masterpiece.
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